Leave of Absence
by Crazyfangirl23
Summary: Maria knows she should stay, but wants and needs to go. Knowing that there have been talks of Elsa Shraeder becoming the Captain's wife, she decides to flee from him and the children. A fic about the events leading up to Maria leaving and the unseen events of the Captain trying to find her.
1. Chapter 1

Leave of Absence

'Please don't say a word of it to the Captain.' She begged breathlessly, staring at Elsa with pleading eyes. Her voice was thick with poignant tribulation, a tone she never thought she could ever identify as her own.

Elsa Shraeder gleamed back at her with a sparkly smoothness and enthusiasm; 'no, I wouldn't dream of it.'

Maria was too busy with her own affliction that the way the Baroness sounded a little too pleased with herself escaped her. Leaving her with increased distress, she sauntered out of the room as suavely as she had walked in. Maria heard the door close like thunder amongst the silent darkness; the sound was ominous enough, but the person who had just closed it had made her feel even more intimidated. She could feel her heart beat relentlessly faster than it previously had, the only source of noise she could hear in the room. Then all at once, Maria folded, clutching a handmade dress with immovable fingers and leaning over it in a state of despair. She didn't want to leave; it was the last thing she wanted, but she had to. If everything the Baroness had said was true, then Maria needed to waste no more time in getting away from this place. This extensive mansion, that had charmed and glittered at her with all of the promise of becoming a firm staple for the next few months. A place which had dazzled her since her arrival, slowly becoming synonymous with the happiness she felt at being with the children...and the Captain. The Captain, she thought despondently, squeezing her eyes shut as if it would block out the images in her mind or the echoing sounds of his voice in her ear. Her head fell further, trying to banish the pictures from her brain, the looks he had given her in those rare, hallowed moments. She didn't know how to think, or to feel; she didn't know if the ache in her heart was love or simply admiration and respect, but she did know that it felt like it was splitting violently in two, like half of it was her life at the Abbey and her devotion to God and the other...her life at the von Trapp villa. Maria never thought that a predicament or decision could ever be as complicated as the one presented to her now, and she grasped at the chain around her neck, seeking emotional support and guidance. But although her fingers held the cross tightly and wilfully, her thoughts deviated still to their conversation about the Captain. Pondering shamelessly on those memorable, brooding eyes, tears started to slip from underneath her eyelids and travel down her cheeks uncontrollably. Oh, how she hated to feel like this; her hands lowered to her chest as if she were trying to stop her heart from hurting so much. Taking deep breaths, she finally dared to open her eyes again, observing tear stained splotches on the dress under her and immediately throwing it into her bag. Maria rarely cried, and rarely ever had, but this felt as if she had carried the weight of it for months on end. Searching for a handkerchief or tissue, she dabbed at her eyes and wiped the wetness away, reminding herself sharply that she was still in her undergarments. Turning back to her wardrobe, she glimpsed the dress deemed too 'ugly' by the Captain and retrieved it from the hanger. Maria had not worn her travelling clothes since she had been given new material, and now longed for the familiarity and blind optimism she had felt so brilliantly on the day of her arrival. Changing quickly into the dress and producing her round hat, she wasted no time in packing all her belongings into her bag. Maria knew that she needed to disappear quickly since people would start to come looking, and she highly doubted she could stand being in the same room as Captain von Trapp again, especially if speaking to him about leaving. No, she needed to go tonight, run back to the Abbey and it's four walls of heavenly safety and security; sheltered irrevocably from the outside world of serious feelings and relationships and being governess. Zipping up her bag, she sought after her guitar, looking down on it and remembering how she taught the children to sing; reluctantly, she put it in it's black case and rested it against the wall.

 _'Whats so nice is, he thinks he's in love with you.'_

The words resounded in her head as she stared at the guitar case, knowing that she couldn't leave at least without apologising and saying goodbye. Her eyes spotted paper on a desk, taking it in her hands hoping as though it already had the words she would say written on it. At a complete loss, she decided to start by addressing the Captain, thanking him for letting her stay at the villa. Maria hesitated then, wanting so much to confess to him privately in the letter of the situation, but was completely unable to. Instead, she wrote about the children; how much she would miss them, how grateful she was to have stayed with such generous people, making it seem like the only reason for her departure was a longing for the Abbey and her previous life as a postulant. Maria felt that, in her heart, part of that was true. She felt resolute in the fact that she had to leave, if only just to escape from any future prospect of interacting with the Captain. She knew it was selfishness on her part to the children; yet she couldn't stay knowing what she knew. Maria sighed off the note, emphasising once more that she was sorry to leave them so suddenly. Then, she slipped it into her pocket, and picked up her bag and guitar case. Throwing a last, sorrowful look at her room, she opened the door and shut it without turning back. Creeping past the children's bedrooms, she stopped for a moment simply to smile sadly and pray for their future happiness. Glancing down to the entrance of the house, she didn't see a single person; her ears caught the sound of the beautiful, swelling music and concluded that everyone was dancing a waltz. Maria thought of the Captain, dancing with Elsa Shraeder like he had done with her only minutes ago. Lightly running down the stairs, she checked that the Captain wasn't anywhere in sight, and then placed the letter on a table. Rushing up to the front door, the melody of the waltz overwhelming her with emotion, she took one last look at the grand mansion, then slipped out quietly and unseen into the night.

The orchestra had played out their last bittersweet and pleasing note, drawing out the moment for the final bow and curtesy. The Captain's eyes followed the hands on the clock with surprise and realised that Maria had not resurfaced for dinner since the beginning of the second long waltz. Averting his gaze quickly back to his partner, he smiled at her respectfully and straightened up from his bow. Taking Elsa's arm, he searched around in earnest for the familiar crown of blonde hair and flowing dress, but his eyes never reached them. He could feel the weight of Elsa's arm take hold of him and quickly he made eye contact, smiling half heartedly once more.

'I think it's time for dinner, isn't it?' He said smoothly, again glimpsing at the clock.

'It must be, the waltz has made me gain an appetite.' Elsa said, laughing. Georg repeated the gesture, still half searching for Maria. He personally didn't think that she needed too much time to deliberate on what to wear for dinner; he knew that whatever she wore, it would make her stand out regardless. He blushed a little at the thought, his skin turning slightly redder and hotter; he grabbed a glass from a tray and swigged from it, hoping that it would calm his temperature and colour. Spotting Max across the dance floor, ruthlessly holding a cigar in one hand and a glass of champagne in the other, he steered the two of them in his direction. Georg noticed however, that Maria was not standing around with him.

'Max!' He called, watching him turn with a comedic concern; 'now, Georg, when is this feast to start, I'm starving, you know.'

'I was rather hoping you could tell me,' he replied, 'as you requested Maria at the dinner table.'

'I expect she doesn't know what to wear in such an occasion as this, although it has been a long time since she went up there. I haven't seen her since.'

Georg just noticed Max's eyes flicking to Elsa and exchanging some foreign look before it was gone in a second; although, it caused to make him suspicious.

'Well, someone should look for her and tell her we are serving dinner now,' He said, 'Max, you alert the guests and Franz.'

'I'll go find Maria, Georg, and tell her.' Elsa suggested.

'No,' he cut in, 'I'll do it.' He responded, plucking her arm from his and strolling away. There was some sort of satisfaction in her tone that made Georg wary; as he shuffled his way along numerous guests and out of the crowded room, he tried again to spot Maria but her face didn't appear. Turning away from the source of the commotion, he was about to take the stairs when something out of place caught his eye; staring at it and trying to discern why it was there, he advanced over to a table that sat a folded note he was certain could not have been there a few hours ago. Intrigued, he picked it up and gently unfolded it, his eyes turning quickly from innocent and curious to hard and solemn. When he saw his name in the unfamiliar script he could only guess that it was Maria's; and an initial amusement at how neat and perfect her handwriting was soon turned to concern at the perusal of its subject. His jaw set in place, his mouth became rigid and unmoving as he read on, his eyes becoming as emotionless as stone. Yet his chest felt tighter and his heart beat faster, and his unexpected trembling hand dropped the piece of paper to the floor once he read her signature. He stood, transfixed for just a second, trying to process the contents of the letter. Maria had left, had left him and the children, for her life at the Abbey. Almost immediately after, he sprung into action and disappeared through a door to his study, needing to be a alone just for a minute. He had heard vaguely the call of his name from Elsa, until he had walked away from her and the whole party. Although it said in her letter that she missed her life as a postulant, the Captain still wondered if he had done her any wrong to make her leave; although she ultimately would leave to go back to the Abbey, that day wasn't to come just yet. Georg felt baffled at the unexpectedness of her departure, again considering if there was another reason for her absence. However bad he felt, he knew the children would be practically distraught over it; he hated the fact that their faces might become grieved and downcast knowing their favourite governess had left them. His hands came up to his eye and partly concealed his face, unable to interpret any emotion he felt coherently. He simply didn't know how he felt, or what to think. It was certainly out of Maria's bright and sunny character, although Georg had to remind himself that he had known her not long himself. Now, the party made him feel powerless and cheerless, the music made him feel frustrated, the company he was holding made him feel spiritless and bored, and he had just lost his appetite. Maria's face seemed to haunt his mind and he couldn't get rid of it, as much as he tried. He had never felt so disappointed by the departure of one of his governesses before, additionally never had he felt so contented and happy with one of them than Maria made him feel. His hands supported his weight as he perched his fists on the table, his head dropping for a moment to analyse his situation. He realised he should probably call for another governess but the rapidly increasing sentimental side of him refused to do so in the hopes Maria would come back. Georg realised then that she had made more of a profound and unprecedented impact than he'd thought; not just on his children, but remarkably on himself. Suddenly, the door opened, and Georg composed himself in a split second, resuming his usual decorum. He relaxed only a little when he realised it was Elsa, his shoulders slacking and his chest deflating.

'I wondered where you'd got to,' she said genially, 'everyone's seated at dinner, waiting for you.'

He nodded, 'I didn't intend on being gone so long.'

Elsa's eyes wandered round his study and then back on him, 'I take it you didn't find Maria? I didn't think she would be in here anyway, Georg,' she laughed, 'Or is she hiding under that desk?'

'I needed some time...alone.' He said.

'Didn't you find her anywhere?' She asked, her face looking concerned although her voice lacking it.

'No.' He said, not wishing to elaborate.

'Could it be anything to do with this?' She asked, holding up a piece of folded paper. Georg's eyes instantly lit up at the letter.

'I found it on the floor when you were walking away.'

Georg couldn't say anything, his words stuck in his throat.

Elsa unfolded the paper and skimmed the contents carelessly, looking up again at him in a matter of milliseconds.

'She's left.' She said, her voice sounding faux shocked.

'Yes.' He admitted, now feeling uncomfortable.

'Well, that's terrible! She obviously missed her life at the Abbey too much.'

'Indeed.' He said stonily.

'So, what will you do now?' She asked, discarding the note and stepping closer to his desk.

'Well, I think maybe I'll just get another governess,' he said, his eyes then settling on Elsa's, smirking, 'or, maybe I should give them a new mother...' His eyes sparkled, and he saw the delight in her face as he quickly rounded the desk to stand in front of her. Kneeling to the floor, he took her hands and asked her to marry him.

'oh my,' she gleamed, her lips a pleased smile, 'of course I will, Georg. I would be delighted to.'

Georg straightened up grinning and hugged her, grateful for her infallible presence.

'Now, I think we should return to the guests and to dinner. They've all been waiting,' she laughed, leading him out of his study.

'Do you want to make the announcement...or should I?' She grinned, watching him just as Georg's eyes stared back at the table he had found Maria's letter as they passed.

'You can, of course.' He replied.

Rejoining the many ravenous and disturbed guests, he sat down at his seat and marvelled as Elsa prodigiously told everyone why they had been so late; Georg chuckled and accepted congratulations, but as they raised glasses for a toast he noticed the empty place set for Maria and he entered into a trance, thinking about her and if she were here. If she was, he had no doubt she would be discussing the children's affairs and progress in singing animatedly, her innocent humour pleasing the crowd and describing her life at Nonnberg Abbey. He smiled at the vision in his head, until it disappeared at the image of the deserted seat. Georg broke out of his reverie when Elsa lightly shook his shoulder, whilst laughing gaily with her friends; and he too wasn't short on company, although his eyes met the vacant chair a few times during the night.


	2. Chapter 2

The two shot was brief, I know, but it's all I had planned. Sorry to keep you waiting, I've been busier than I ever have ? hope you enjoy reading it. (Note: I took out the Climb Ev'ry Mountain song in the dialogue, but it obviously still happened here. We all know it anyway, so it's nothing original ?) thank you.

Following the path she had once so optimistically skipped and danced down, Maria felt a deep sorrow in her gut, causing her constant distraction. This time, she was running down the pavement in a hasty and hurried way, knowing she just wanted to get as far away as possible; as well as harbouring the fear that someone may see her fleeing shamefully from the grand villa. But she couldn't afford to think of those kind of dutiful and respectful things now.

Only the drive for privacy and peace kept her pacing toward to bus stop. The sky was slowly turning from midnight blue to black, and the hot, summers air made the night almost pleasurable despite the fact she was completely alone. Her legs carried her far, and within minutes she arrived at the bus stop that had lead her here. Setting down her bag and guitar case, Maria looked up at stare and wondered if the Captain could see them now. She still couldn't quite process how everything had fallen apart so quickly; Max had asked her to come to dinner, and then she had tried to find a dress; up until that moment, it had been nearly perfect. She and the Captain had then worked out a harmonious relationship in which she sensed a great gentility in him and he had found an outspoken strength in her. In addition, looking after the children gave her so much delight that she seemed to always wake up early in the mornings.

Yet now, it had all fallen away like snow disappearing from the ground. Deep within her thoughts, her heart mildly jumped when the bus stopped beside her. The subsequent journey was too quiet and long, the night silent and her eyes weak with tiredness. Maria made her way along the memorable path she had come, now no longer confident or courageous at all. Her shoulders were slumped and though she wouldn't alloy it, wetness developed in the corners of her eyes. She thought about the days she had brought the children round Salzburg, singing everywhere they went with an effervescent enthusiasm. It was the day that had finally delivered her respect from the Captain - and perhaps the day she realised he was so much more than his authoritative power; maybe it was also the day he started to love her...

Shaking her head, she banished these thoughts, knowing in her heart they were silly accusations. A Captain could never fall in love with a governess. It was just the way she knew the world to be.

Still, every step further she got from the glittering ball now probably at dinner without her, the more pain she carried. Maria thought about the children, now in bed, not knowing that she had abandoned them. She felt a sizeable amount of shame but no regret; she would desperately welcome the walls of the Abbey. It felt like she was in a trance as she slowly walked up to the black gates of the entrance. She peered inside, the space seemingly deserted. Maria knew that all of the sisters were probably saying their last prayers, and so she softly called out. No reply came, but her voice echoed off the walls.

'Anyone? Sister Sophia? Sister Margeretta?'

Her voice must have carried far, because she saw an advancing shadow and her stomach jolted gratefully. Smiling just a little at the prospect of being home, she saw the nun come closer to the gates, until she glimpsed her face under the half light of the moon.

'Sister Berthe.' Her grin lowered just slightly at the gaunt, admonishing face of the nun.

'Oh dear.' She whispered under her breath, so quietly Maria didn't notice she'd said it at all.

'Maria. I knew you would be sent back to the Abbey sooner or later.'

'Sister Berthe, that's not true. I left.'

Her eye widened. 'You left? You must have done something for this to happen.'

With a sigh, she slipped quietly through the open door, bent down and kissed the floor, then turned her back on the nun and strode away defiantly to her room. She couldn't help the smallest smirk quiver on her lips as she walked into the lonely space. Everything was as neat and organised as the day she had left it, and setting her bag and guitar case on the floor Maria realised how small it felt after being in the bedroom of the von Trapp residence. The walls felt like they were gradually closing in on her, restricting her ability to escape. Regardless, she let her composure melt away as she sat down on her bed. It was hard not to cry again, and this time she managed to keep it in. Moonlight was filtering through the window, and she wondered if The Captain was disappointed or merely inconvenienced by her note. Spotting a pile of black folded on a chair, she quickly dressed herself into the clothes of her faith, now feeling the most comfortable she had been in a while. Maria felt secure now, in the presence of the sisters and of God. She heard a knock at the door, and a soft voice called out.

'Maria?'

She couldn't bring herself to answer, although it was rude. Only after a few more attempts did the voice dissipate. Truthfully, deep down in her heart she knew she missed the Captain as much as all the children. And then, all at once, she felt the most alone she had ever been.

•••••••

When she awoke, Maria almost didn't recognise where she was; expecting to wake up in the luxury of the villa around her, the room felt cold and hard. She wished she could venture out, to take part once again in their daily routine, yet she couldn't bear anyone seeing her in the state she was. All she did for the rest of the day was pray, and she made sure no one saw her. Maria didn't want the scolding of Sister Berthe, the inquisition of Sister Margeretta, or even the kindness of Mother Abbess. However, a sharp pain wounded her once more when she heard through the door some of the sisters talking about seven visitors; and how she had, in not so many words, sent them away again. Rushing to the window, she just caught sight of Friedrich's blond head and little Gretl as they marched out of view. She wanted to call out, to rush over to them and tell them that she wanted to see them, but her mouth wouldn't allow itself to function. Her head cast down in shame and sorrow, she knew that if she had seen them she would have to explain why she left...and that couldn't be explained to anyone, because she hardly knew how to explain it to herself. Hours passed by, and a growing anger at herself and the sisters for refuting the children's attempts to see her settled in her stomach.

Then came the first visitor, with whom Maria first spoke with after returning to the Abbey. Sister Margeretta, although slightly too inquisitive in her approach, managed to comfort Maria momentarily; giving her a small blessing and some smiles she felt properly glad she was there for the first time.

'Maria, Mother Abbess has sent me to bring you to her. We are all quite concerned about your behaviour since you returned and you haven't given any indication of why you're back. She would like to speak with you in her office.'

Maria distinctly felt her stomach churn, her eyes following the patterns on the floor. She wished she could spend more time to reflect on it herself, but she knew that not going to Mother Abbess would only make her feel worse about everything.

As the sister led her there, and another led a new postulant out, Maria came over anxiously nervous about what the Mother was to ask her; as her eyes stared down at her Maria felt like she was being interrogated in front of God himself.

'You've been unhappy. I'm sorry.'

With her kind words hanging in the air she felt just a little bit more ease, yet she knew she had to explain herself quickly before anything was misconstrued.

'Reverend Mother-'

'Why did they send you back to us?' She interjected, her tone almost rehearsed from the supposed predictability of the event; like she always knew she would come back early because of her outspoken, stubborn self.

'They didn't send me back, Mother...I left.'

For a moment Maria could see an inflection of shock in the Mother's eyes, and a pause settled between them for a split second, making her now feel more uncomfortable than she'd ever been.

'Sit down, Maria.'

Like a child, she obediently sat, waiting to be interrogated and reprimanded.

'Tell me what happened.' Her words resumed to their light softness, and the words rushed out of their own accord.

'I was frightened.' She blurted.

'Frightened? Were they unkind to you?'

'Oh no!' She exclaimed, now too agitated to sit, 'no, I was confused. I felt...'

Her eyes looked up as her sentence trailed off, her heart beating at the very thought of him, the Captain, the one who had refused her clothes for the children and shouted at her for letting them stay up during thunderstorms, and made her keep a whistle and aggravate her with his sarcasm and arrogance. The Captain, who had also begged her to stay, and had played and sung with the guitar and complimented her puppeteering skills and danced with her under the light of the moon and stars.

'I've never felt that way before. I couldn't stay, I just couldn't! I knew that here I'd be away from it. I'd be safe.'

'Maria, our Abbey is not to be used as an escape. What is it you can't face?'

'...I can't face him again.' She breathed, on a conviction which she knew was genuine but on feelings which continued to create conflict in her mind.

'Him?' The Reverend Mother looked alarmed, and quickly dismissing Sister Margaretta, whispered his name, 'Captain von Trapp?'

Maria nodded shamefully, unable to dispel his image from his mind; her heart beat faster against her chest.

'Are you in love with him?'

The directness of the question left her head reeling and a well of emotion began to creep up on her.

'I don't know!' She exclaimed forcefully, absolutely frightened by her own feelings, 'I don't know, I...the baroness said I was, she said he was in love with me but I didn't want to believe it,' she rambled, 'there were times when we looked at each other,' she admitted, her mind replaying his gaze at her whilst singing Edelweiss and when they had stopped suddenly from dancing the Laendler. His eyes had held her there invisibly, almost as if daring her to move and all the while keeping her trapped within them, 'oh, Mother I could hardly breathe.'

Her hands tightened on her chest like she was feeling her lungs contract at that very moment. She couldn't deny that it was happening nearly every time she thought of him now.

'Did you let him see your feelings?'

Maria pondered for a split second if she had been too transparent. Had the Captain glimpsed away at her heart hammering away every time she looked at him?

'If I did, I didn't know it. That's what's been torturing me. I was on God's errand; to have asked for his love would have been wrong.' Her tone turned thick with guilt as she stared into the statue of Jesus on the cross, a little bit comforted by her faith and her terror making her resolution easy and simple.

'I'm ready at this moment to take my vows. Please help me,' she added, head lowering in forgiveness and shame.

'Maria,' she answered softly, 'the love of a man and a woman is holy. You have a great capacity to love. You must find out how God wants you to spend your love.'

Her wavering focus transfixed back to the statue of Jesus.

'But I pledged my life to God. I pledged my life to his service.'

The tone in which she said the words betrayed her sense of disappointment in herself; she always thought herself resolutely strong in self and in faith, practical and boundlessly dedicated and completely ignorant to the desires of the heart and of man. Maria now felt as if she had lost all of it, as if she were an entirely different person to the one she thought she was. Apparently she was more emotionally inclined than she ever could have believed.

'My daughter, if you love this man it does not mean you love God less.'

Maria pondered on this thought for a moment; undeniably, she loved God, but even more unpredictably she loved Captain von Trapp. Suddenly, she knew for the first time that she really had fallen in love with him. It was a relief to admit to herself but also a burden to bare. Although the Baroness had claimed he reciprocated these feelings there was no way to identify in him any powerful trace of emotion for her. It was still a daunting prospect, if ever she saw him again.

As if reading her thoughts, Mother Abbess answered firmly,

'No, you must find out. You must go back.'

'Please let me stay, I beg-'

'Maria. These walls were not built to shut out problems. You have to face them.'

If she found any confidence in herself at all in that second she could believe herself to carry out these suggestions and return to the Captain; but still she struggled to find any courage at all to face up to what was opposing her.

'You have to live the life you were born to live.' The reverend mother added.

'Climb ev'ry mountain.'

'Thank you, Mother.' She said sincerely, lowering to kiss her hand. Rushing out the door, the nun called we back.

'Maria,' she smiled, observing her already flustered state and immediate unhinged behaviour, 'our new postulant, if you permit it, may take your room. That is, if you are coming back.'

Maria knew that the Mother thought she wouldn't come back; that ultimately she would stay at the villa as the children's governess and the Captain's...well, the Captain's anything. It was too early to think about any possibilities right now.

'I will send word, Mother. Don't be too sure that I won't return.' She said delicately.

'Do you have any clothes in which to travel, my child?'

'I only took my old dress with me when I came back. I wanted to feel...as I was, before all of this.'

She smiled amiably. 'Our new postulant came in a dress, roughly your size. Travel back to the villa in that.'

Although it daunted her terribly, she thanked the Mother Abbess, and as she returned to her room a swell of excitement at seeing the children as well as facing the Captain again ignited in her stomach. Hurriedly and nervously she gathered up her things, which wasn't too hard anyway as they had stayed relatively within cases and bags since she had returned. Walking out of the gates, she felt once again like her journey had just begun.


End file.
